Monday, April 14, 2014

I've let myself go

These past few years have shown me how one's thoughts and attitude towards life can change just about anything you have going on. I wasn't happy and would repress my frustrations with school and social life (or lack thereof) by finding very temporary "feel-good" solutions like binge eating, retail therapy, procrastination, and sleeping afternoons away. I let depression get to me and have been the lowest I've been all these years. I convinced myself that I was a victim of a failing relationship, backstabbing, and having low self-esteem and often relied on cues from others to remind myself that I was still someone worthy of something and to not let anyone get to me. This mindset alone led me down a dangerous path as I became increasingly sensitive to other people's actions and words towards me and it did not help that I felt that I was "alone" in my personal struggle despite having some people around, with whom I've divulged bits of my problems. 

My mind was (and still is) cluttered with worry, anxiety and a lingering fear of never being able to achieve something or to never be lauded for anything. This clutter has manifested itself in my unhealthy physique, messy room and my failing university. I didn't know what I wanted for myself anymore when it came to my relationships, studies and personal growth. I've fallen out of my social circles and feel estranged. It felt for a moment like my boyfriend (with whom I am in a long-distance relationship) prioritised everything but the relationship. I felt lonely and I didn't know who to call and was constantly afraid that my presence was never going to be appreciated by anyone anymore. This is all tied of course to my dwindling self-esteem and with how I've gained so much weight since feeling depressed. It's a vicious cycle where I'd feel down and would then indulge in something unhealthy (staying up late, binge eating, avoiding commitment with school or a health regimen, being reclusive because I didn't want others to see what I've become) and that would lead back to me being and feeling worse off than before. 

I keep telling myself every waking moment that the next step for change and progress was by doing this or that yet I would procrastinate that because I've become somewhat indifferent to my current predicament. It's been happening for so long that I've become almost completely demotivated to improve. Yet here I am now writing this. My failure with business school opened a door for me to pursue something of my choice and I guess that has sparked some hope in me. I know I'm capable of great things, just like anyone else, and that only hard work and discipline is keeping me from feeling content like how I once did. So I am taking the first step to recovery now. I guess I've gotten so low that if I were to let myself go any further, I'd break my spirit for good; and I fear that. If anything I want to quit being so lost in my worries and just be a little more proactive in turning my life back around. Everyone has their struggles and I believe this is mine and I think it is about time I committed to something worthwhile; something worth the hard work and discipline; and that would be to get back on my feet again, even if I have to do most of it alone. It's like knowing I've been through emotional hell and by still being here, means that I've endured and that if I bounced back, I'd be stronger. 

I guess I miss the old me; before all the things that went wrong did go wrong. Life does change a person that I agree but going forwards or backwards depends on how you will it. I'm tired of playing victim and feeling helpless. If anything I want to do something for myself this year; get back in shape, free my mind from clutter, and do my talents justice. Talk is cheap and achieving all this would not be without serious commitment and discipline, both of which I have always struggled with since everything went downhill. But something about this goal just feels right in that it is entirely about ME. I've not loved myself for so long and typing this is bringing me to tears because of how I've been so susceptible to giving up on myself but never ceasing to help someone else. This is an injustice both to myself and those I care for as they've ended up worrying about me too. I guess it is true that you can't really care for others to your best ability if you do not first care about yourself. 

My main goals are to do well at design school and run my first half-marathon. I think these are achievable and would entail the many changes I seek for repairing my body, will and self-esteem. 

I am glad I've written all of this so that I can come back to this if I start losing my grip again. I don't want my current being to define who I am because I know I am better than this. I have so much potential in me so there is no way I can continue letting something so intangible undermine all of the good I see in myself. So here's to a long, arduous road to recovery and I'll start by cleaning my room. 


  1. I happened on this update from my FB timeline, Vanessa.

    I gotta say I kind of know what you're going through, despite different circumstances. The feeling of loss and sense of purpose, not sure who you are and who you should be, what the future holds, and who to trust and get recognition from - things I've been through myself. (Correct me if I'm wrong lol)

    But know that good things are abound so as long as you look forward to a time where things will be all right. Shitty times now doesn't mean shitty times to come, though that certainly will be so without any effort put into it by your own hand. Nothing ventured, Nothing gained, aye?

    Don't give up and keep pushing for the happy times to come :)

    1. Hey J. Han,

      Thanks for taking the time to comment on this. I appreciate that someone I know understands all that I've said here and that I'm not alone in this. Thank you for your words of encouragement and support as it means a lot to me that someone I know has experienced something similar and is able to emphatize with what I've been through; so really, thank you for just speaking up for a friend (even if it's been ages since we met or talked). :)

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